This article is based on a radio interview I did on E! Entertainment Radio with hosts Michael Yo and Hyla, June 6th. We had a great (but short) interview on the topic of the Sex and the City (SATC) show/movie. Their position was that the SATC behavior models presented women having the freedom, sexual freedom to act like men. If men act like sluts (womanizers or players), women be able to also they proffered. The interviewers then asked unexpectedly what my marital status was; I said divorced. They then asked, well don’t I casually pleasure myself with women? No, I don’t anymore, I have learned. I so told them that my experiences of having sex, only to ask myself afterwards, “what the hell was I doing with this person,” raised the red flag for me. Further, I felt worse, not better having had this indiscriminant sex. The hosts said they had experienced the same thing. Why is this so? I know questioning the “joys” of sex is not what men are taught. Real men always enjoy sex, don’t they? My point was that at least some of the characters in SATC are teaching women this same masculine behavior. This I content is a formula for disaster.
The interview, which went longer then scheduled, ended shortly thereafter due to time constrains without my explaining a critical point. I did say that I supported men’s growth enabling them to create true connection, and I don’t support men’s present training, my old training, to be disconnected users of female bodies. To then suggest that women behave like men as they presently are trained is nothing short of disastrous.
Now, to the key question that went unsaid. In both the hosts and my experience of unsatisfying “casual” sex mentioned above, why it was unsatisfying was not addressed. The natural answer is because we were with the wrong partner. For whatever reason, other then a connection of sexual organs, there was no connection. OK, so here is the real question, who was being the wrong partner, the ones we were with, or us?
If you find yourself singing, “I can’t get no, no satisfaction,” it is all about you not being the person that creates it, not them. When you choose to masturbate using another’s body, which is what passes for sex nowadays, you dishonor and are out of alignment with your own heart. This is how the unfulfilled emptiness is created.
The “real” purpose of sex is to connect two souls, creating a connection of intimacy and love, not to just get your “rocks off.” The later dishonors you and the other person, and deep inside you always know it. I did, and as I awakened, I realized this was not what I wanted, it was not filling the inner emptiness, nor did it serve me, or my partners. So I basically stopped doing this. I am not saying this is easy. It takes courage to stand up to the truth, our truth, but stand you must, to be a real man, a god of love, not a macho god of the holy sausage.
Men have been taught to use sex as a means of fulfillment. With a modicum of maturity, one quickly finds out something is wrong with this thinking simply by noticing a lack of fulfillment. Either we blame it on: the woman, the position, the moment, location, your mother complexes, or worst of all, yourself as being inadequate. NONE OF THE ABOVE IS CORRECT! It is the patriarchal teaching that makes intimacy and connection a juicy hotdog in a bun proposition. This is not to say sex is wrong, on the contrary, connected intimate sex is wonderful, fulfilling, and sacred. But beware, without the intimate connection it is just masturbating. If you and your partner want this, so be it. However, my experience of humanity and myself tells me that we are all really seeking inner fulfillment, but we just don’t know how to find it, so we settle on what we have been taught, sex. After all, Hollywood, SATC, and seemingly every aspect of our “modern” society have become obsessed with it, and it is difficult to see clearly through all the muck.
Here is how you start the process: First, recognize the problem, second stop what doesn’t work, and third look for what “feels good”, but in your heart, not your organs. As we have a society devoid of spiritual awareness, which teaches base sexuality, this will require you to step outside of your box, the limitations of your present beliefs, and this takes effort and courage. You can do it, you must do it, and your soul depends on it.
Discuss this openly, men especially with your male friends, you will find an important fact – you are not alone at all. You are not crazy, defective, or lacking. We have simply all been taught how to behave in ways that are counter to our own fulfillment. That’s where the craziness lies, in what we have been taught, our patriarchal programming.
So let’s all declare that we are done with that thinking and find ways that truly fulfill our partners and us. Imagine a world where this is prevalent. Imagine.