Blaming Each Other

Men frequently act out roles they’ve learned, find them unfulfilling, and then, seeing no other possibilities, blame women. To men’s continued disappointment, this results in failed relationships. Why? Because men simply don’t know how to behave in partnerships based on feelings. Instead, they are force-fed and accept the stereotype of the fearless macho protector who distrusts and is disconnected from emotions. These men search in vain for fulfilling romantic relationships. They often substitute sex for intimacy, thinking them synonymous, not realizing sex, an aspect of intimacy, requires vulnerability. “Good God, not that!

Women often don’t have a clue about were men come from, but they think they do. “All men want is sex,” being a favorite understanding, a put-down of men. In truth, it is “all men are allowed is sex,” and of course anger. That’s it ladies, all other emotions have be made wrong for men by the patriarchy, with a litany of prohibitions starting with “big boys don’t cry.” Guess who teaches men this? Often, it is their mothers as primary teachers, but also their fathers, peers, and society in general. Who are they taught they are doing this disassociation from feelings for? Women of course! Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

This denial of feelings in men prevents their maturing into full men of the powerful and loving sort. You will find women complaining about men as heartless and unfeeling and then chasing the “bad boys.” This is naturally confusing for both genders. Women want the strong masculine “daddy-like” energy that makes the decisions and therefore becomes the responsible party. That icky responsibility that gets in the way of rampant emotional desires. And women are used to it, and have a perverse sort of comfort with macho men. What they get is not what they thought, or need. Then, they make men out to be wrong or bad.

Men want the “mommy-like” energy that nurtures, supports, guides, but most importantly unconditionally loves and approves of them. If he is plays the immature boy that needs taking care of, she will tire of this and lose the vital energy she needs to feel in order to sustain a relationship. If he plays the macho man who is always in charge, not to be question, but to be followed blindly, she will be inhibited and wind up sucked dry also, just from a different angle. The results are the same. Either way he will never feel fulfilled, nor will she.

Women on the other-hand are allowed all emotions, excluding anger, “nice girls don’t show there anger,” but they’re denied reason. How does this happen? Anything that treats women as unable to understand something, tells them that their mental reasoning abilities are not enough. The man makes the hard decisions, because women just can’t. “Its too difficult for you to understand or do honey,” or “don’t you trouble that pretty little head,” actually say women are not capable. So women disassociate from the rational mental part of themselves, just like men do with feelings.

Therefore, women can’t see or understand men’s heavy dependency on the mental. They see men as being heartless, not disabled. Women become disabled themselves, just like men. That’s because they’re not matured either. It takes the mental reasoning to understand what to do with the emotional awareness.

Like emotional little girls, women remained stuck in immaturity, as are men. It just looks different, but these are learned handicaps. One is of the overstuffed, locked-down, mental variety; the other is seemingly the embodiment of rampant chaotic emotions.

Women haven’t been taught, encouraged, or allowed to use their mental abilities, nor how to focus emotions with these abilities. If they were they could understand and guide men to wholeness. Instead, they judge men as Neanderthals. You can’t live with them and can’t live without them.

Men don’t teach, allow, or encourage women to think, and therefore, become angry and frustrated with women’s emotional chaos. Yet, because men have been denied access to their emotions, they can’t understand, and are helpless to intervene. This results in their being left unfulfilled and resentful.

We must all awaken to our own missing parts, not blame the others. This is not walking on water, or becoming a Guru, and yet it is. I always thought to awaken meant some giant leap into an unattainable superhuman state. No, it means awakening from our dream-like states of semi-consciousness, to a fully aware and feeling human state. Go for it! You can do it! All you have to do is to use your intention to create it and take action. Oh, and don’t forget to forgive yourself and others for past, present, and future mistakes. This is how we learn.

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  1. Dr. David Eigen

    Rick,
    Thanks for responding. You have choice, so does she. Neither has to react to the others reaction, but it sounds like that’s what’s happening. MAKE NEW CHOICES! Read the other comment for support. Next time she reacts, set the example, lead by example, and choose not to react. Yes, it requires effort at first, but soon you will find it comes easily. You will reap the benefits of leading, and not create the painful battle. And if you screw-up, apologize for reacting to her behavior. You can say “I am still committed to you and committed to not reacting, I am not perfect. I reacted to your behavior which I find (hurtful, selfish, inconsiderate, unacceptable, etc). Please look at this just as I am looking at my reaction, which I recognize was a subconscious choice.” – See how that works. If its all your fault in her eyes, tell her that she is a participant in the dance, she is not innocent. If she won’t hear it, then its time for counseling and maybe a new partner. I hope that is not the case. Blessings on your experience of experiencing relationship. Ain’t it fun!
    Oh, and by the way, if you reacted, then she has given you a gift. You get to see what part of you said “how high,” when she said “jump.” What are you resisting, and what does she need that is unspoken. You know this inherently. All this was a choice too. ALL reactions come from within you.

  2. Rick Van Weelden

    Hi, This is a great step in the right direction. Thank you for thinking it through as
    far as you have, and for articulating it so well. However, I would love to hear about
    the impact of these enlightening concepts on couples who attempt to sincerely alter
    their behaviors within relationships in accordance with the principles you’ve outlined.

    My experience is that even if both a woman and a man agree on the things you have said in
    principle, there is an ocean of sub conscious beneath this that twarts them no matter how
    hard they both try. It is just too easy to overreact, to blame, and to express ourselves
    in terms of the dominant culture or the iconoclastic voices that challange it.

    What you are proposing takes genuine love and patience and perserverance on the part of both
    the man and woman. Unfortuately, as soon as one lets his or her cultually permissable
    guard down, it is too easy for the other to revert to old patterns. Do you have any serious list
    of individual testimony or study that demonstrates this can actually work?

  3. Cecilie Nielsen

    Hi David!

    I’m a woman and I was very moved by this article! I’m dating a very emotionally balanced man myself. Not a macho, but a man who dares to show his feelings and speak about them. There are no collisions between us whatsoever. I’m glad a person of authority sheds light on this issue, as you have done here. My date will like your blog!

    Keep writing!

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