Affairs with Married Men. ARE WOMEN INNOCENT?

It has almost become expected, “who will be the next cheating male celebrity-politician-sports star-media talent to be exposed?” Without question the cheaters broke their vows and this is unacceptable, especially for our “role models.”

However, I find it funny, that the women they cheated with, even when they show themselves to be clearly calculating, gold-digging, heartless whores are mostly overlooked. Oh sorry, that’s right, we do want to see what they look like, but who they are as humans, and what part they played is unimportant. We squawk about them if the wives are prettier, “How could he when he has such a pretty wife?” Now, that is worth talking about! But the fact that she is a totally unrepentant home-wrecker goes unsaid, as if it is expected of women. And it is. Maybe it is because women are innocent, childlike, and cannot be held responsible? Or are all these women just innocent victims seduced by the evil male sex fiends? We all know it is always the man’s fault and they are all sex fiends. Or is it just that a woman is not responsible for her actions, being after all, chaotic emotionality, which they cannot control, so we just don’t expect them to?

In the not too distant past women were treated like children, or worse, property. I believe this set the tone for modern day women in establishing the very behaviors I’ve mentioned above. Underlying all these obviously ignored actions the mistresses played-out in these now public affairs is an assumption that all women are just this way.

This is demeaning to women, and becomes their self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, the men were wrong, but so were the women participants. And in most cases, the women were at least as culpable. Many of these women threw themselves at the men knowing they were married. Yes, the men can and should say no. But let’s face it, the men, especially those on the road, are lonely, are told by their training as men they should want sex at every opportunity, and are easily enticed. In a perfect world they would just say no. That didn’t work for drugs and the present prospects for it working for men are not too promising. This may change in the future, but for now, we better work with what we have, men who are taught that their sexuality is a measure of their masculinity and who have become addicted to sex. And women know how easily men are manipulated by stroking their macho egos and other places.

OK, my point is stop making men responsible for all wrongs, and let the women step-up and share responsibility for what didn’t work. Understanding why all parties do what they do is critical. Otherwise, we will never get away from finger pointing. In one of my blog articles Why Men Leave their Children a reader commented on how her husband left the country for work for one year, but two and a half years later has not returned. She didn’t mention why she didn’t go with him, but had a lot to say as to what a bastard he was.

Here is my response to her that I felt pertinent enough to print here:

First, I feel your rage and your pain. I can relate fully. We humans do unbelievable things to each other, and blind ourselves to the consequences. That is no excuse for the blindness, just an understanding. What’s the use of understanding? We can use it to see the why. How could they do what they do? We can use it to look deeper into the other person, and perhaps explore how they’ve “become trapped in a past that doesn’t let them choose” (Sarah McLachlan, I Will Remember You). YES, I hear you shouting in reply, “Horse… they can choose.” My dear Kim, we live in a world trapped by its own perceptions and deceits. To the world, there are no choices. And you’re right these are illusions, but powerful ones. The only choice for you is to understand this, stand in your truth, and stand firm that others should also. But without the understanding, you will never be able to create the change you so deeply desire, nor to inspire others to have the courage to change what so deeply needs changing. Demands and blame just shut others down. Been there, done that. One last thing, what are you or were you pretending not to know because you wanted to believe? Been there, done that too, don’t like it. Sounds like your husband found someone else and is guilty about it. Your understandable demand for him to return just makes him feel guiltier and he withdraws further. This is painful I know. I can’t lessen that for you. I doubt he went away planning on finding someone else, but he did. Time to let go and move on. If you ram down his throat “I thought you were a G-d damn loving father,” which says he is a liar, bad father and husband, all that will happen is you will drive him away further from his daughters out of your anger. Also, why did you not move with him on his job relocation? He was left alone for a year and you are surprised someone else wanted him?

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