DOES the title sound familiar, a bit too familiar? Acceptance of another means just that. It does NOT mean I accept for now what I don’t really like, because I know once I have you in my clutches, under my control, I will FIX you. This tells your partner when they find out your real agenda that you consider them needing a little fixing, not good enough. But you excuse yourself for misleading, as these changes are “for their own good.”
I have directly experienced this disingenuous undercutting and redirection. It took many years to fully appreciate the degree these insidious manipulative behaviors have developed and how I allowed them to overtake my life. They come on so subtly, “lovingly”, and gently that you hardly notice the velvet wrapped choker chain being drawn around your neck, squeezing ever so gently, tighter and tighter. The barbs really are for your own benefit we are told. How could we mere mortal men disregard these loving directives that come with the underlying look, if you really loved me… And love them we do, so we try, some more than others, to modify our behaviors, feeling less and less fulfilled, diminishing who we are. One day some wake up and realize they’re empty, dead inside:
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. -Shakespeare’s Macbeth
Ever felt this way, what’s the use of it all? — We allowed it. And we can regain what has been given away. It is not lost, only sidelined. We call it up from the bench to play by caring for our self.
That doesn’t mean not caring for another — that is still important. But when we forget self-care, we create Codependency.
Attempting to change another is a sugarcoated, ribbon wrapped invitation to join the Dance of Codependency. If you offered (attempted to fix another), or accepted (the one being fixed), you are in the dance, a most self destructive, diminishing dance of power and control. Women do this far more often than men, but men are not innocent. The receivers don’t even know what hit them when the choker is in place other than an uneasy disempowering feeling that festers into resentment. Women wind up as empty caricatures, more worried about their status, hair, and make-up than love. What’s Love Got to DO With It? This is business and it truly becomes “nothing personal.”
CO-D is an addiction and I have been affected by it and so has the vast majority of humans. It takes work, forgiveness and self-care to overcome. We all know the essence of love and relationship is mutual support, caring, respect, honoring and encouragement. WHY don’t we practice this? We been taught not too.
Here are a few Book-of-Rules directives:
- The only way to keep a man is to control a man. Control by judging, disapproving, and any of a myriad of ways to lessen their self-esteem. Fear of abandonment is at the root. Control is a limiting behavior for both parties. It diminishes the one being controlled and the controller. The controlled gives up part of their essence, become smaller, less vital, unable to make decisions and care for loved ones, because they are being told that they are not enough and therefore need to be fixed and controlled. The controller loses their heart, it becomes all business, plotting and planning.
- Why should he buy the cow, when he can get the milk for free? First off, are you a COW? I hope you don’t think of yourself as one. If you do, stop reading and go back into the barn. For the rest, reconsider this adage. For EONS women have withheld and manipulated with their sexuality. This is not a surprising. WHY do we continue to do this? Because you have been deluded to believe it has been time-tested to work. We miss that fact that it only creates a dysfunctional sort of power and control illusion.
Both sexes want sex. Men need this more, as it is their major or only source of intimacy. This is not actual true, but it is what men have been taught starting with “big boys don’t cry,” and it becomes true. If a woman wants to affect a real change, help a man to feel OK with is feelings, ie: sadness, loneliness, fear, needs for affection and touch. Then he can be truly himself for him. You will reap bounties if you support this. As it stands it’s only behaviors that are focused on.
Women have other venues for intimacy and sharing and know it is not all about sex. But they can admit their feelings. That is what men lack, permission. Remember sex is a form of intimacy, but only a form. When a woman dangles sex like a carrot on a stick, the focus is on the carrot, not the one holding the stick. And women wonder why they are not wanted for themselves. Society and woman have trained men this way. Fix what you are focusing on, change you, and see the benefits.