The Drama of it all
Trauma is an experience that produces psychological injury or pain. Usually it is sudden and immediate and this trauma causes one to be traumatized. How is this different from dramatized? I am using this word, usually associated with make a dramatic play or acting, in a completely different way.
Dramatized is many experiences over time that create a state of heighten awareness, stress, fear, panic, and overwhelm; while inducing subsequent behaviors abnormal for the person experiencing it. In plain language, the experiences drive you crazy, making you act in ways you would not normally act.
An extreme example could be people living in war zones or participating in war. Even if they have not directly been harmed, the constant noise, explosions, sirens and death that surrounds them, the constant state of fear-based heighten awareness, causes them to wall themselves off spiritually and emotionally. They withdraw from the reality of it all, and create a new reality, a constructed reality called a Construct. PTSD is an example of this. I constant barrage of her inducing “news,” also creates this and can be used to control whole populations.
OK, so what does this have to do with you, or the normal people you know? What causes a person to give up self-care, become for example codependent?
A friend related the story of his first marriage and divorce. He said the lead-up to the marriage was like heaven. Then the night of the wedding, after the party, but before consummation, his new bride sat him down for a “talk.” She told him everything she did for him including oral sex, certain activities, etc. she didn’t like, but did for him; and was no longer going to do them. She had what she want, a ring and that was that. He related being in shock, feeling being lead down the garden path to the slaughterhouse. Instead of walking out the door and having the marriage annulled, he remained because he “loved her.” However, he was constantly reminded of her subterfuge, and now was being told what she now wanted and who she really was. He also received a constant barrage of how he was doing it wrong, doing everything wrong. Everything she said she admired and liked was now wrong. He said he felt like he was always walking on eggshells. He tried to oblige, wanted his relationship to work, but felt trapped and unfulfilled. His resentment grew and killed the marriage. And yes, there was the other thing she wanted, a baby on the way. That makes it all the more difficult to admit defeat, failure, and walk away.
This walking on eggshells, this appeasement is sign of codependency, pure and simple. And my friend was dramatized into giving up himself, so he didn’t lose his relationship. Of Course, women experience similar dramatizing by men also. So the new awareness or paradigm is: constant drama, waiting for the other shoe to drop, walking on eggshells, never “doing things right,” creates stress which when prolonged can yield to this “dramatized” state. This is a form of codependency. Its an addiction to the drama we accept in our lives and our attempts to appease it. Whether you are a man or women, your role in the dramatic play of relationships, the war zone of the battle of the sexes keeps both parties entrapped in roles that will never fulfill their souls. And we never look at what causes the feelings we are controlled by.
Even the controller in the above-mentioned story who on the surface “got over” on my friend lost. The happiness and fulfillment she was looking for by creating a controlling relationship actually moved further from her reach, but she fooled herself with by creating a constructed reality, playing-house so to speak. She attempted to control her reality, the house, the kids, and the bit-part player called husband. Its time for another casting call.
The song Blank Space, from Taylor Swift makes this thinking’ clear.
Screaming, Crying, Perfect Storms, I could make all the tables turn, Rose garden filled with thorns, Keeps you second guessing…Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.
The bridge declares:
Boys Only Want Love If Its Torture [Codependency]. Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You.
Control ALWAYS comes from fear. First off, there really is no control – it is an illusion. The controlled can always choose to get up and leave the game. Secondly, any attempt to control automatically diminishes the controller and the controlled. Control is always a lessening, disempowering behavior. It is also an attempt to be superior. A relationship should be mutually encouraging, empowering, and supportive. The only real control is over your own feelings and attitudes. Work on what your fears are and discuss openly your attitudes toward life and relationships. Forget what you have been taught. Re-create who you are and your attitudes. Are you concerned about abandonment? Work on how loving you are. Afraid your partner will leave you for another, be that love.