David G. Eigen, Ph.D.

These are difficult and uncertain times for all. Stress is a typical byproduct of change in normal situations. These times are not “normal,” so the possibility of and intensity of stress is greatly increased. How does this affect relationships? That will depend on the parties involved, but obviously it has the potential to be disastrous.

So how do we handle these trying predicaments to create and encourage deeper connection? How do we support relationships that are hurting, stressed-out, in danger of failing apart? We need to go back to basics, relationship 101, that most skipped, or slept through, or were secretly afraid of.

Let refresh these principals. The basics are communication, honestly, vulnerability and love. Love is the foundation naturally, but love alone is not nearly enough. “How I love thee, let me count the ways,” is great as the foundation of connection, but it is ego-centric, being about “how I feel,” not the give-and-take, the dance of relationship. When I was young I used to dance freestyle, now I only partner dance (ballroom). You may ask what this has to do with relationships; an understandable question. The answer is—a relationship is a partner dance. When I was young I didn’t know how to dance with a partner, so I “freestyle danced.” I had “one-night stands” too. They were distracting, fun, but ultimately unfulfilling. I did not want to commit to a relationship as truth be told, I was afraid and didn’t understand how. Men are accused by women of fearing commitment. That’s because men are not as indoctrinated as women in the fairytales relationship models. Women seem to know exactly what it takes and if men would only play-out their assigned roles as princes, all would be good—or so the princesses think. From the success rates around us, men and women rightfully fear entering something they don’t know how to do. I had no real understanding what a relationship inherently took to make it work. I have a better understanding now. Allow me to share what I have experienced and learned.

First, stop freestyling. That is the secret. You will have to learn how to partner dance. You will need to let go of the ego-centric illusions of me-me-me, and move into—us. Not us as it serves me, but us as we serve each other.

What does it take? Communication is primary, but communicate what? Most communicate what they want, desire, and are not getting enough of. Being in service to each other is not usually included and may never have been. And mutual attempts to serve may have been missed by the other party. Communication would help both understand these attempts. Now, here is the big one, especially in our times, we must communicate all that we feel like: our fears, uncertainties; as well as thoughts like: how are we going to make it, I feel like a failure, and am angry at the world for wrongs it has done to me, etc. This is more difficult for men, who have been taught to “suck it up,” be a man, don’t show your fears, or you will be judged as weak, inferior and undesirable (unlovable). Women need to understand this and be open to helping a willing man to access these feeling. If he is not willing, is hunkered down in his bunker, you will need gobs of understanding and patience. Trying times will make it more difficult for him to face his fear of being a failure, as he as a man is supposed to be the strong one for his woman. He fears he will let her down by admitting his fear. He also fears she will look for a stronger rock, better provider. This is not an impossible scenario, is it? Now you can better understand his fear, feelings of vulnerability, and lack of communications. This does not excuse it, only shines the light of understanding on the actions of men that many women have expressed objection to.

Importantly, the secret to communicating that most don’t understand, more so men, is that by honestly sharing these deepest darkest emotions, they don’t become true, they actually lose their charge, becoming easier to bear. This is because emotions that are held in, repressed, are energized in a negative manner by the act of repression. Releasing them releases the charge. Then life can be dealt with more easily.

OK, so now let’s get back to today. Many are losing or have lost jobs, homes, retirements, savings, etc. The word depression looms in our minds, yet is treated like the pink elephant that no one what’s to talk about. I know I feel it. So what do we do? We communicate and support each other no matter what economic hurricane hits. It will pass. We acknowledge with gratitude our divine spirits that connects us. We must tend this like a gardener, with the fertilizer of love, truth and communication. We don’t give up on us, even if we have to give up on certain material things. We continue to love, grow, evolve. We seek new pathways of creation, new ways of doing things, while we acknowledge how we blindly choose to be led astray. Out of the fires the phoenix WILL BE REBORN. This I promise. Feel it inside, you know it too. Blessing to us all as we walk the hot coals.

The Politics of Street Gangs, Corporations, and Others

Loyalty is defined as: the quality or state of being loyal; a feeling of devotion, duty, or attachment to somebody or something. Allegiance, trustworthiness, fidelity, devotion, and dependability are some of the synonyms for it. Isn’t it interesting how “free market” street gangs, political gangs (parties), Wall Street gangs (corps) are so similar? They defend their causes at all cost without considering the consequences their actions have on others. To disagree is considered disloyal and may cost you your livelihood, or life. Loyalty to country (nationalism) has similar behaviors patterns, as do religions. If you speak out against your government, you will have consequences that vary country to country, being accused of disloyalty, or in some countries treason. The Catholic Church had its inquisition and Iron Maiden for those that disagreed. The Muslim word beheads you for the same, all in the name of God.

Ethics are moral principles that govern appropriate conduct. It is interesting that these terms, ethics and loyalty can be applied from two such differing viewpoints. One produces behaviors that reflect the ego-centric view; the other reflects a world view. Ego-centric examples are the street gangs wearing the gang uniforms (colors/tattoos), selling its products (drugs) without conscience, demanding gang loyalty, silencing those that oppose or are disloyal, and other gang-related activities. These are exactly the same as the corporate gangs on Wall Street (WS), wearing gang colors (suits), selling its products (worthless subprime mortgage backed securities), silencing those that oppose or are disloyal, and other WS gang related activities. From their point of view ethics are principals of free market anarchy, anything goes if we win! Winning of course is measure by the wealth created, bottom-line thinking. Neither gang gives the slightest thought to the consequences others reap from their actions. Religions can act similarly, as can a country’s government. In the last two presidential terms the Republican Party displayed this ego-centric, me, me, me thinking. Those in the upper echelons were enriched, the rest of us were en-robbed. The gang leaders got the bulk, though severance packages for the street gang leaders (lead) are nowhere near as good as WS and other corporate gangs (gold).

OK, so let’s look at the natural/world-view of ethics and loyalty. By world-view I simply mean where ones decisions include the world. An easy example is a big industry that has been pouring toxic waste into a river (ego-centric), waking up (for whatever reason) and changing its operations so as not to pollute; being a good corporate citizen. Simple, right? They learn how to create a “greener operation,” perhaps even make money off of the new technology. And they see the long term costs of the old way on people’s health, the environment, and the world. My local drycleaner just switched its cleaning chemicals from toxic to green ones. This is a great development for that industry. Not long ago demand for this was nil, now there is awareness and demand. The industry rose up to meet the need. Fuel efficient cars, solar energy, wind driven energy are all being created by the demand. These industries did not try to hard in the past to educate and offer these products. But that was not profitable in the near term, and the ego-centric view does not allow for this. This would have been a world view if they had. And we would have been at the forefront, instead of playing catch-up.

Now, let’s apply the natural/world view model to the ego-centric model. Without question unadulterated greed would have to be seen for what it is. It is clearly ego-centric. This is the Midas syndrome everything they touch, including what they love, turns to gold. Nothing wrong with gold, but trading everything for it? This is so short sighted. Just look at our economy at the moment teetering on depression. This is the results of the ego-centric view. The parasitic “free market” played out, sapping even the parasites. That’s how nature (an aspect of spirit) does it. If the species cannot control itself, it winds up decimating itself. What I am writing about is balance, the natural law of all things seeking equilibrium. This is not possible with the ego-centric model. Some species self-balance naturally, some not. Then, the natural law steps in and this activates boundaries, creating limiting actions usually more painful then self-imposed limits. Otherwise, what will occur is gluttonous anarchy. Viruses are great examples of this. They grow and consume all till there is nothing left to consume, then die-off.

So what I am actually speaking of is a new world view of proper gang behavior. Yes, you can care about your fellow members and the gang’s objectives. No, you can’t do this to the exclusion of all else, especially your own inner integrity that contained within your spirit. This is the big change in our awareness. Your inner knowing must be recognized and considered. This is the feminine energy within men that they are denied by our present mind-set. My book, Men-The Gods of Love addresses this very issue. And yes, all this requires that we create new thinking pathways, how to balance ego and spirit, corporate bottom line needs with corporate citizenship needs. Luckily, all it takes is the intention and appropriate action to shift our thinking.

I am speaking of responsibility, ethics of the soul, ego, team (gang) in a paradoxical paradigm, where all are true at once. Equal, but different, with long term global considerations that include the group good as the norm.

Our illustrious King (President) said in September speaking about the “financial bailout” that he saw our economy like a “house of cards,” and that one of the cards was failing so he took action. Snaps for the president. Unfortunately, his statement fails to address two issues, one being, our economy should not be a house of cards, and two, through the illusion of “deregulation” and “free market” capitalism, his administration directly allowed, encouraged and created our present situation.

He directly influenced the Fed for years not to raise interest rates, so his administration and party would look good. His administration was looking good through the years of abundance. But the abundance was based on borrowed money, bad loans, and unadulterated gluttony. Many must have looked at the turning of a workable budget into an unprecedented deficit, as nothing short then magic. It turns out to be black magic, but his administration rode the prosperity ship to their greatest advantage. Of course, now it has crashed into the rocks. But his term is nearly over and he and his backers have made their money. The next administration will be the one responsible for the salvage operations. His administration stayed in business (reelected) by selling fear to the American people. They created known lies that got us into a war, which keep us distracted and made lots of money for the “Manchurian Candidate’s” clan. All the while he is selling off parts of this country to finance his illusions. And we were going to impeach Bill Clinton for lying about an affair that was his personal business? Let’s start by jailing Bush’s entire administration, as they are all knowingly complicit.

Let’s look at the retired King of the Fed, Volker, he saw this coming, was instructed to keep up the illusion and didn’t have the balls to say NO! Now, he says he was wrong in believing that the kings of gluttony would behave, that capitalism unfettered would ideally seek balance. How special! And he is only one of many. Our congress is another useless organization that spends its days:

1.      Thinking how it can make money for its members. Oh, let me count the ways.

2.      Make money for those that have put them in power (”Pork Barrel” projects, contracts, tax incentives, etc).

3.      Denigrate the opposition, no matter if right or wrong. This may hurt the country as a whole, but that is not important if it bolsters their position.

4.      All the while appearing like they are doing their jobs for their employer (the people of the USA).

It is time for this country to wake up, take back its power and recreate itself as the shining example it can be. Right now we are seen as self-centered gluttons.

1. First, we must address the tyranny of our political parties.
2. We need a third party for balance.
3. Line item veto powers.
4. An end to the Electoral College.
5. Another way of choosing chairmanships for the congressional committees, like a rotating position.
6. Also, we need campaign reforms to exclude PACs, and other loopholes, as McCain originally intended.

Then, perhaps we can create a greater good for the whole country and world, not just for the benefit of the particular politicos in power.

Now, I am sure you are thinking, what “Divine” notion am I writing of? It is the notion of freedom. We have seen a convenient version of this notion played out in our stock and mortgage markets. Not working too well is it. So what is wrong with the notion of freedom? “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to loose,” so wrote Kris Kristofferson. So how come we have lost so much?

We have mistaken blind egocentric gluttony for freedom. We have been told that a free market will seek equilibrium, just like nature. OK, so much for that illusion. Freedom is a form of love. You can’t love from an egocentric position; you must take into consideration the other party. Not so in our “free” market system. Unbridled capitalism is single-sided gluttony, plain and simple. The bottom line is all that matters. It takes responsibility for nothing and no one. Even the executives attempt to take everything they can from their company and its shareholders. They give themselves going away gifts, called golden parachutes, while everyone else gets golden showers. And this is somehow legal and the role model for corporate executives! Without regulation we will all be working for the company store, in abject poverty. A few fat cats will trickle down pennies to the starving. That’s why there were laws against monopolies. These laws under the guise of “less government” have had their teeth extracted. Lady Justice without teeth gumming the law.

Washington Mutual (WaMu) is a bank that is teetering at the moment. They were successful at offering mortgages with a 1¼ percent “initial” rate (teaser). The actual rate was whatever the going rate was, somewhere in the four to more than five percent range. You can qualify for a much bigger mortgage at the teaser rate then you can at the actual rate, which by the way was adjustable. All you needed to qualify for a refinance was an appraisal and a pulse. As an added bonus, you could choose to pay all your payments at the teaser rate. Of course, that didn’t cover you mortgage payment, so the balance was added to what you owed. This is called negative amortization, though they did not disclose it as such. If you borrowed ninety five percent, you could quickly owe more then the house was worth. This is especially true if the rate adjusts higher, which it did. Now, add to this the fact that houses have dropped substantially in value and you would have a disaster. That’s what we have. And they are wondering why this happened. Blind greed is why.

Why was this allowed, why did WaMu executives even think this was OK? People who can’t qualify, can’t qualify, just as a pig with lipstick is still a pig. Can you imagine a young person who wants to be a pilot being given an F-18 to train in? Of course not, because it is more plane then they can handle. Similarly, if you can only qualify for an illusionary rate of 1¼ percent interest on a home’s value when the non-illusionary rate is 4 times higher, then you have more house then you can handle, dah! Did WaMu executives get huge compensation for what seemed like “successful” loan campaigns, you bet they did. Did they donate to their local organizations (politicians) that oversee, or turned a blind eye to their actions using bank money, yes! Did they lose any of their funds or bonuses for this, no! Did most of us turn a blind eye to this, yes! WaMu is just an example of a free market, without oversight. In an ideal world the oversight would come from within each person. As it stands, we don’t need to consider this possibility at present, do we?

OK, so now what do we do? It is time to recreate our notions of what are correct behaviors. Human reality, it is now clear, will not adjust to our ideal notions. Our thinking it will and did is our arrogance. Can you hear the whistle of the approaching freight train? It is the Humility Express. It is going to take the world for a ride. Clearly, it won’t be pleasurable.

We need to be honest, educate all, tax highly these overpaid executives and other gluttons who reap huge profits at the expense of other. And forfeiture, penalties and jail time is proper for those that created this, manipulated for and profited by our present situations, and there are many. We are all responsible and we must all make it right. The actual dynamics of how we do this will have to be reasoned out.  No question we need the teeth put back in our laws and judicial system that have been removed. But definitely no more lies, no more smoke and mirror illusions. Greed and gluttony must be seen not as admirable, but reprehensible. Who we are being as human being must be a top priority and not seen as irrelevant as long as we’re winning. We need to look clearly at what we have chosen to believe as truth that was self-serving, and the truth will set us free.

Men frequently act out roles they’ve learned, find them unfulfilling, and then, seeing no other possibilities, blame women. To men’s continued disappointment, this results in failed relationships. Why? Because men simply don’t know how to behave in partnerships based on feelings. Instead, they are force-fed and accept the stereotype of the fearless macho protector who distrusts and is disconnected from emotions. These men search in vain for fulfilling romantic relationships. They often substitute sex for intimacy, thinking them synonymous, not realizing sex, an aspect of intimacy, requires vulnerability. “Good God, not that!

Women often don’t have a clue about were men come from, but they think they do. “All men want is sex,” being a favorite understanding, a put-down of men. In truth, it is “all men are allowed is sex,” and of course anger. That’s it ladies, all other emotions have be made wrong for men by the patriarchy, with a litany of prohibitions starting with “big boys don’t cry.” Guess who teaches men this? Often, it is their mothers as primary teachers, but also their fathers, peers, and society in general. Who are they taught they are doing this disassociation from feelings for? Women of course! Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

This denial of feelings in men prevents their maturing into full men of the powerful and loving sort. You will find women complaining about men as heartless and unfeeling and then chasing the “bad boys.” This is naturally confusing for both genders. Women want the strong masculine “daddy-like” energy that makes the decisions and therefore becomes the responsible party. That icky responsibility that gets in the way of rampant emotional desires. And women are used to it, and have a perverse sort of comfort with macho men. What they get is not what they thought, or need. Then, they make men out to be wrong or bad.

Men want the “mommy-like” energy that nurtures, supports, guides, but most importantly unconditionally loves and approves of them. If he is plays the immature boy that needs taking care of, she will tire of this and lose the vital energy she needs to feel in order to sustain a relationship. If he plays the macho man who is always in charge, not to be question, but to be followed blindly, she will be inhibited and wind up sucked dry also, just from a different angle. The results are the same. Either way he will never feel fulfilled, nor will she.

Women on the other-hand are allowed all emotions, excluding anger, “nice girls don’t show there anger,” but they’re denied reason. How does this happen? Anything that treats women as unable to understand something, tells them that their mental reasoning abilities are not enough. The man makes the hard decisions, because women just can’t. “Its too difficult for you to understand or do honey,” or “don’t you trouble that pretty little head,” actually say women are not capable. So women disassociate from the rational mental part of themselves, just like men do with feelings.

Therefore, women can’t see or understand men’s heavy dependency on the mental. They see men as being heartless, not disabled. Women become disabled themselves, just like men. That’s because they’re not matured either. It takes the mental reasoning to understand what to do with the emotional awareness.

Like emotional little girls, women remained stuck in immaturity, as are men. It just looks different, but these are learned handicaps. One is of the overstuffed, locked-down, mental variety; the other is seemingly the embodiment of rampant chaotic emotions.

Women haven’t been taught, encouraged, or allowed to use their mental abilities, nor how to focus emotions with these abilities. If they were they could understand and guide men to wholeness. Instead, they judge men as Neanderthals. You can’t live with them and can’t live without them.

Men don’t teach, allow, or encourage women to think, and therefore, become angry and frustrated with women’s emotional chaos. Yet, because men have been denied access to their emotions, they can’t understand, and are helpless to intervene. This results in their being left unfulfilled and resentful.

We must all awaken to our own missing parts, not blame the others. This is not walking on water, or becoming a Guru, and yet it is. I always thought to awaken meant some giant leap into an unattainable superhuman state. No, it means awakening from our dream-like states of semi-consciousness, to a fully aware and feeling human state. Go for it! You can do it! All you have to do is to use your intention to create it and take action. Oh, and don’t forget to forgive yourself and others for past, present, and future mistakes. This is how we learn.

Women marry men thinking they can change them.
Men marry women hoping they won’t change.

Change is the common denominator in these statements. There of course will always be change, growth and evolution of our beliefs, thinking and beings. However, the above statements speak to a different type of change. They are more clearly about the “play-acting,” the roles taken-on pretending to be something we are not. It is also about the desires we have for the actions of others, the script we expect them to abide by. Funny thing is, neither statement has anything to do with the other party, these bit players in our life’s dramas.

Let’s look at the first statement. It says that many women don’t appreciate, want or accept men for who they are. These women believe they are smarter and consider men something akin to clay to be molded to their desires and beliefs of what their man should be. They also, arrogantly I might add, think they know what’s best for him and he is an unfinished product needing to be changed so he can fulfill his part in her play. Naturally, both partners in a relationship will have some adapting to do with each other. But unquestionably entering a relationship with this unspoken agenda will not only be dissatisfying, but will generate resentment.

She won’t feel satisfied because he cannot be anything but what he is, and she will resent his lack of cooperation in performing the scripted role she has laid out. She may withhold herself from him out of hurt, resentment or vengeance. This will just hasten their demise.

He won’t be satisfied either as he will become painfully aware that she is not who she pretended to be and is not with him for who he inherently is. He will resent this, rebel, or may find someone who does want him. Later in life he may give up on this possibility and settle for another distraction to keep him company, especially if she panders to his ego. Many men can shift so easily from macho hero to wounded little boy and back again, but that is another story for another time.

He may also have been pretending to be her macho hero, protector, provider and will attempt to hide the fact that he is just a human with al the foibles of a human. By training he will feel shamed at this and hide it at all cost. Her trying to mold him will further increase his shame. Now, what happens if both parties are acting? Why their relationship will be an act, and fall on its face.

The second statement speaks to feminine thespian-ism (no, not lesbianism) and how men buy into it, because it feeds their egos. This is the actress who is strutting her hours upon our stage, luring men in and when they have taken the bait stops her act and is seen no more. “I don’t know what happened,” he says, “she used to be so wonderful, supportive and loving. Now, it is all about her, I am number thirty-one on her priority list and I better like it!”

Luring-in under false pretenses is an act some women portray, and then the hammer falls. It may be the act of the she-wolf in sheep’s clothing that just wants to eat you all up dear-and then spit out the bones. Or just simply a different person with different desires then agreed to. She may not have been aware of these desires from lack of maturity, or did not felt worthy of them, so she acquiesced to his. Then she realized these were not in alignment with her soul’s needs.

If she does change, he will be left feeling dumbfounded, clueless. It was clear to him; maybe his clarity was also an illusion? He may come to believe it is his fault; he may feel he is lacking, or he may blame her, or both. Of course, he has responsibility to recognize his own part in this fairytale he took part in. He expected her to be the perfect princess, whatever that is. He chose to perceive what he wanted to see. And she had wanted him, or at least what he had, including security, position, etc. She was willing during the “hunt,” to do what was necessary to get it. Who was hunting whom? He’s chasing her he thinks, while she covers the bear traps with sweets. An interesting dynamic, don’t you think? It can of course be the other way around. This is different then taking the initiative to form a relationship and being honestly open and responsive.

Both statements clearly are about the illusions most live under. The ones we want to see, not who we really are. Either way, they are deceptions, lies told to others and ourselves. Looking at relationship from this angle, is their really any wonder why there is such an upheaval in relationship? We are living lies and expecting true fulfillment.

Upheaval is good. It means something is festering and needs to be cleaned out. It is actually much simpler then most believe. All that is needed is to simply wake-up from the dreams we created, become aware and live with integrity. The most difficult aspect is usually admitting to ourselves our truth, especially the darker aspects. Step one in problem resolution is full awareness of the problem. The problem is always within, not with others. They are just bit players in our dramas. Heal your need for them and you can create real love based partnerships.

Women naturally exercise control in a feminine manner, rather than in a masculine one. First, it must be pretty. Secondly, it mustn’t visibly rock-the-boat. The “boat” being the fairytale-like illusions of life constructed to handle (control) life’s experiences. So the boat that shouldn’t be rocked is really more like a lifeboat then an ocean liner. Here lies the problem; most belief they are secure in their berths in an ocean liner they control, going to fascinating ports-of-call…

The reality is they are afloat in a sea that takes them, hither and thither, as the winds of fortune and the tides dictate. They control nothing, while waiting to be rescued. This latter perception is uncomfortable, hence the need for the alternative. How does this get created?

People sometimes run from the very thing they want the most, like Love. Why, because it is the most vulnerable place. Love is humankind’s greatest fear.

Think about these choices, but choose one.
Choice one: you get your jaw broken.
Choice two: you get your heart broken.

Your jaw will heal in six weeks, over and done. However, heartbreak takes much longer to heal, and will never be forgotten. If you have never let anyone near enough, never had your heartbroken, then you may not understand this. However, your walls may mean you inherently fear love.

The pain of love’s loss is difficult to bear. Yet, most thing they are searching for it. Many choose alternatives like: living in loneliness, or in empty bartered-for relationships, rather than face such heartfelt pain. Naturally, these alternatives were created to insulate from being hurt. Women teach each other “the easiest way to get over a man is with another man.” If only it worked…but it doesn’t in the long run. Men also have their version of this. If you fear something you desire, than part of you will be pushing away at it while the other pulls it toward you. Push pull cycles will appear in your life. It is the flower that as we pull the pedals we say, now he loves me, now he doesn’t. But is it you vacillating beliefs that cause this situation, or his true feelings? Or both, and is he vacillating because of you, or his past? Complicated isn’t it?

Now, what does all this have to do with lifeboats and ocean liners? Perhaps you have constructed the illusion of an ocean liner; full of many of the things money could buy. You can buy (control) reality. Life is then acceptable and you feel secure. The boat doesn’t rock. But what are you distracting yourself from? From feeling like your in a lifeboat - with no control, helpless? Perhaps a lifeboat created during youthful traumas or other heartbreaks? It is natural to want to escape bad situations. When we are physically unable, very often we create the escape within. We disassociate from unpleasant reality. This is a common psychological notion.

What the above illustrates from a feminine viewpoint is controlling through illusion. We cast a spell cast over ourselves. And while women are no strangers to casting spells over men, they usually don’t see the ones they cast over themselves. Men are no different here, though they have their masculine versions. Neither allows one to live in the present moment. Reality becomes custom tailored. The tapestries of our lives are hand-sewn. They are made-up of our perceptions of life’s events, which we weave into our personal stories-and then believe them!

There is only one way out of these traps we have stitched together piece by piece. Be willing to face the disagreeable parts. Remove the stitching, discard the fabric of illusion we veiled ourselves in, and find the truth of who we are, not what we have been taught to be. You will need to practice forgiveness and heal.

So, are we all really in lifeboats? No, those are illusions too. Then what is real? Read Men-The Gods of Love, and when completed Women-The Gods of Wisdom, which contain important wisdom for both genders. The short answer-only love is real, the rest is illusion.

Love doesn’t have to be scary or hurtful. It will require laying aside ideas about knights-in-shining-armor, for the sake of a real love-filled life. All there is are men to be what they are being taught as what a man should be and trying to find love, most without a clue; and women who believe in lovely fairytales as they have been taught, without a clue either. Both are acting-out their parts, find them shallow and continue acting anyway. They know not what they do. Women must find their wisdom, men their hearts. From this point we create heaven, here and now.

Often, we hear of divorced dads that spend little or no time with their children, and the damage it does to these children, not having the love and guidance of their dads. Many divorced moms have told me how they are at a complete loss as to how these dads could do this. Of course, some of these moms complain and berate, while sabotaging their husbands relationship with the kids. Some do it intentionally, other subconsciously, but let’s exclude this obvious dynamic, which is one of the possible explanations. Why do the dads do this?

I want to be clear that to me our kids are Job #1. Now remember, men have been told to disallow their emotions to be a “man.” Who are men being a “man” for, their women and children of course. If you’re thinking this is crazy, it’s the opposite of what they need, you are correct. But this situation is all too real. Always keep that in mind when trying to understand men. Naturally, all humans have emotions, so to disallow any part of you is to disassociate from it. A disassociate disorder is a psychological condition. Yet, men are taught their version of this as a matter of course. This is highly damaging to men and those around them, like women. (Women are taught their own version of disassociation to be covered in future articles.)

So, here we have a typical man, his marriage is ending (failure and pain), and he must recreate himself and his life (scary). These strong feelings are not allowed for men, yet would naturally affect all persons, wouldn’t they? He will feel them like it or not (he doesn’t), he feels further drained, weaken by the stress and doesn’t know what to do. He also feels shame for having these “wrong” feelings. Men are supposed to know everything, which is why they won’t stop to ask for directions, so his not knowing how to handle all this is further shaming. He may blame her, while looking for varied distractions, or hunker down in his cave, licking his wounds. He most likely doesn’t have a support system to discuss his feeling with. Women usually have this important element; men basically don’t have a clue. He must internalize and repress these feeling, or he thinks he will be seen as crazy or less of a man. Of course, the opposite is true and his repression actually makes him crazy, but it is difficult at best for men to just drop years of programming.

OK, got the picture? Now, here is this divorcing man, feeling with intensity he is not presently trained to handle, and there are his babies. Why would he not want to see them?

From my personal experience of divorce with children, I will tell some of the reasons, and share what others have told me.

1. My experience with my daughters was that every other weekend and once or twice during the week for dinner, I got to have my precious babies again. Then, I got to return them to their mother. This felt like/reminded me of the original loss. It was like having the scab ripped off a wound each and every time. I never missed an opportunity to see them, but that was me. This experience gave me a new understanding of why men leave their children, because it is so deeply painful and others just couldn’t handle it. This doesn’t excuse their not being there, only explains it.
2. I was very involved with my daughters and still am. However, many men have followed in their father’s footsteps and work long hours, or come home and withdraw into the mindless boobtube. They simply don’t know how to relate to their families, and feel separate from them. They also have a day worth of work bottled up within and don’t feel they can share this. Sad, isn’t it all? But very real. When this type of male divorces, it is simply easier to disassociate from a family he never feel a part of anyway. I have asked women in these situations if they notice this before their divorces. Most were too busy with there own lives to notice, or gave it little thought, thinking it was hopeless. Or their own dads were like this, so they were used to it. None felt they had any responsibility. If you stand mute to it you are part of it.
3. It seems to simplistic to call some men heartless. That said, maybe some just are. My question to their wives is: what in Gods name did you marry them for? Take responsibility for your choices. Enough said.
4. Some men just lack the courage necessary to face their painful failures and take a stand for their children. The worst part is that they may even see the pain in their children’s eyes, the longing, the damage done by abandoning their children, and still they do nothing. They do this because they feel helpless, without options.

In conclusion, you can see now the how and why’s of it. Hopefully, with understanding and forgiveness we can encourage men to respond from their loving hearts. But this must be done with understanding. It is men’s patriarchal training that keeps them separate. It is everyone responsibility to correct this and give men permission and encouragement to feel. Women will also need to look at the busy fairytale illusion of life they are continuously creating that leaves men out, except to take out the garbage and bring in money. If you don’t think this is common, ask men.